How to support someone who has lost a loved one

On hearing of someone's loss, most people stall at the same point: the fear of saying the wrong thing. Out of that fear, nothing usually follows — no call, no message, no word. And silence is the most painful thing of all for someone who is grieving.

This article is for those nearby: colleagues, friends, neighbours, more distant relatives. If the family needs practical help with the funeral arrangement, you can take that on for them — call: +371 2208 4540

Why the familiar phrases do not help

Most of the consoling phrases we know by heart solve a problem not for the person grieving but for the person speaking: they close an awkward conversation. That is why they give nothing.

What works instead: plain words and the name of the person who died. "I am so sorry. I remember him." That is enough. There is no special form of words to find — nobody expects one.

What help is actually useful

The main principle: do not offer help in general, offer a specific thing. "Tell me if you need anything" requires the person to define a task, choose who should do it and then ask — three acts for which there is no capacity in the first days. "I will bring food tomorrow at lunchtime, is that all right?" requires only a yes or a no.

1. Daily life. Food, shopping, the school run, the dog, the washing. The things that keep demanding attention when there is none to give.
2. The calls. Telling relatives and acquaintances is one of the hardest tasks: every call means saying it again from the start. This can be taken over entirely.
3. Paperwork and arrangements. Documents, approvals, dealings with offices. A funeral service takes some of this, but not all — and a clear head helps here.
4. Being there without talking. Simply sitting with someone in silence is full support. Talking is not required.
5. The children. If there are children, the most valuable thing is to take them for a few hours.

The most important part begins a month later

In the first days there are many people around a family: calls, the funeral, the meal, relatives from other cities. Two or three weeks later everyone returns to their own life — and that is when the person is left alone with what happened. The support most needed arrives not on the day of the funeral but a month afterwards.

In practice that means one thing: set a reminder. Write after a month, after three, on the birthday of the person who died, and on the anniversary. A short message saying you remember what day it is matters more to many people than anything said at the funeral.

And do not be afraid to say the person's name. The commonest mistake is to avoid the subject so as not to remind them — they remember every day without your help. What frightens them is not the reminder but that everyone except them will forget.

What not to do

Do not give advice that was not asked for: when to go back to work, what to do with belongings, whether to sell the flat. Every such piece of advice hurries someone into a life they are not ready to enter.

Do not compare losses, your own or anyone else's. Do not measure how long grief should take or ask how much longer it will go on. And do not let the relationship lapse because someone has become "difficult": irritability, forgetfulness and declined invitations are part of grieving, not a verdict on you.

If you see that someone has had no strength for basic things for a long time, it can be said plainly, along with an offer of help — including a specialist. That is not a judgment; it is care.

Help the family with the arrangements

Frequently asked questions